to love.....or to not

I dont understand.... i don't understand why i miss someone i left, why i miss someone who i out grew, why i still think they are a part of who i am. A boy that i once new made me feel incredible, beautiful, special, one of a kind, and loved these are just a few but these are things that i once thought i would never experience that i would never feel. i loved this boy and i guess some part of me still does, but i can't for the life of me understand why. Why do i love someone that in the end made me feel sad and angry, and frustrated but most of all he made me feel like i was fighting every battle on my own.

When i used to look at this guy he was everything i ever wanted..... he was mine and i was his but that all changed, now when i hear his name it makes me sad to think of the person he is now. He has said some terrible things about me and has done some terrible things... and i just want to know is it me is it true. Was i really that bad? to hold him back from the person he is now, or did he lie to me that entire relationship about who he really is or did i just refuse to listen.

I don't know what to do with myself is what i am getting at.... i try to move on and forget this boy but he keeps popping into my head i miss the way he held me at night or the way we would kiss me softly or even hearing his heartbeat when i fell asleep beside him.... and it hurts to see what i once had who i was at that point (happy and whole) to where i am now......broken very broken. how do i learn to trust again, to let someone in again because last time i did that it brought me here. i dont know if i ever want to love again to ever let some one get that close to me because all i see is a lot of pain...no matter how hard i try to hide it.

so my question is what on earth do i do... do i pretend to be ok until i am again,  will i ever be ok, do i try again and let someone in only to be broken one more time.... all i know is in love no matter how great you think it is and strong it is something can always make it harder and we either adapt and make love work or let it break and crumble. sorry about the sad story woe is me but that is just how i feel tonight

                                                                                                     LOVE,

                                                                                                       emily

the dead of night

Why....? why in the middle of the night does your brain start thinking of everything. The most insignificant events in your life, like what i was for Halloween when i was 7, by the way i was an alien for those who care. Why do we always think about the saddest moments in our life in the middle of the night. You know the ones that you don't see coming or even worse the ones you do but can't do anything to stop, the ones that hit you so hard you feel sick to your stomach. Or why do we over think the future why are we physicking ourselves out for something that may not happen, or something that is not terrifying at all. 

I always thought that nights should be peaceful and relaxing, but it seems to me that the only thing i feel is sad scared and alone in the middle of the night. Just like when i was a little girl, and i was scared of the monsters in my closet or under my bed. Now it is so much more terrifying, now i have to come to terms with letting  go moving on and not wanting what i once had, not missing something that is gone. Trying to be okay with what is going to happen next in my life, even though i have no clue.....these monsters are much worse then the ones that were, in my closet.

I always wonder if this is just me, because when i feel like this and i just want to talk to someone, to feel like i am not alone like normal people they are asleep; maybe even dreaming of amazing things. So am i really alone to just lay hear with my thoughts or are there others doing the same thing. It kinda makes me laugh that i can be perfectly fine when the sun is up in the day with people around me, i feel confident self-assured, happy, beautiful and strong; but when that sun goes down and i am left alone things change.

Maybe that is my biggest weakness is allowing myself to be like that, why don't i make myself be that day person at night?.....i guess i don't have all the answers in my head but maybe that is the point. Another step i have to overcome to be me.......

                                                                                                                                 emily

THE START OF AN ERA... or not

Well hello one and all and if you are reading this I am sorry, I hope it is not to bad. So you may be thinking the art of getting by what.... guys, parents, school, sisters, work, friends, love.... what could it be, well you probably assume that it is all of that combined, so stereotypical. jeeze

 But this is all about introductions so here we go. My name is Emily, I am the ripe old age of 19, I am currently entering my 2nd year of university, I am the middle child woohoo... with an older and a younger sister, I am an aunt, I am recently single out of a long relationship, I will be an athlete until the day I physically can't get up, I have a fat cat, I am a sucker for chick flicks,  and lets be honest I am just as confused as everyone else out there about how to function in this crazy world.

So you may be asking yourself if you are still here of course, what the hell is she going to talk about? And the matter of fact is I don't really know. I am starting this blog so I have somewhere to go to share my silly stories, my rants that are in my head, my relationship ups and downs, and I am just going to be me and share how I feel. The thing is I don't care if 100 or  no one reads this, this is just so I have something to help myself get by, and maybe give some stories that other people can read and learn from too.

My goal.... I like to set goals for myself that is the kind of person I am... so I am going to try and blog every day for one year.... will I do it, I have no idea but this is going to be my start to get of my funk and try something new. And that is what I think life is all about trying something new.... so I will leave with a quote from a very smart lady "It's time to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy"(Miss. Frizzle)

LOVE, 

emily