to love.....or to not

I dont understand.... i don't understand why i miss someone i left, why i miss someone who i out grew, why i still think they are a part of who i am. A boy that i once new made me feel incredible, beautiful, special, one of a kind, and loved these are just a few but these are things that i once thought i would never experience that i would never feel. i loved this boy and i guess some part of me still does, but i can't for the life of me understand why. Why do i love someone that in the end made me feel sad and angry, and frustrated but most of all he made me feel like i was fighting every battle on my own.

When i used to look at this guy he was everything i ever wanted..... he was mine and i was his but that all changed, now when i hear his name it makes me sad to think of the person he is now. He has said some terrible things about me and has done some terrible things... and i just want to know is it me is it true. Was i really that bad? to hold him back from the person he is now, or did he lie to me that entire relationship about who he really is or did i just refuse to listen.

I don't know what to do with myself is what i am getting at.... i try to move on and forget this boy but he keeps popping into my head i miss the way he held me at night or the way we would kiss me softly or even hearing his heartbeat when i fell asleep beside him.... and it hurts to see what i once had who i was at that point (happy and whole) to where i am now......broken very broken. how do i learn to trust again, to let someone in again because last time i did that it brought me here. i dont know if i ever want to love again to ever let some one get that close to me because all i see is a lot of pain...no matter how hard i try to hide it.

so my question is what on earth do i do... do i pretend to be ok until i am again,  will i ever be ok, do i try again and let someone in only to be broken one more time.... all i know is in love no matter how great you think it is and strong it is something can always make it harder and we either adapt and make love work or let it break and crumble. sorry about the sad story woe is me but that is just how i feel tonight

                                                                                                     LOVE,

                                                                                                       emily